Life in the family
09/03/16 05:13
Fairly early in my career as a pastor, we visited my family while on vacation. There was a kind of mini family reunion going on with cousins and aunts and uncles and other relatives gathered at my parents’ place. There were meals to prepare, chores to be done, people to be greeted. There were games and conversations, and, it being my family, discussions of politics. It was very normal and typical of family gatherings. At one point in the weekend, I sort of snuck away to get some time to myself. A cousin sought me out to try to get me to participate in a game. I refused. The cousin couldn’t understand. I ended up trying to explain, though probably wasn’t very articulate. Later that evening I complained to my wife that being with my family was exactly like being at work. There was no vacation at all if we spent our time off with my family.
Now I understand that it was an over-reaction. But I also know that a church is a lot like a family. We are a complex web of relationships and our goals and aspirations sometimes conflict. Our visions of the purpose and function of the institution differ. There are different styles of leadership and different expectations. The congregations that I have served have been small to mid-sized, so we really aren’t very big institutions. There are politics in the church, but they aren’t marked by the big time power plays that are present in larger and more powerful institutions. When I compare the dynamics of the congregations I serve with the internal politics of the local school board or the board of directors of our hospital, I realize that the issues with which I deal are mild indeed.
Still, there is something about working in the church that brings out both the best and worst in human nature. On the one hand, I am allowed to witness great amounts of generosity. People give freely of their time and resources to support the church because they genuinely believe in helping others. When people become captivated by the church’s mission they can be incredibly generous and are willing to place the needs of others before their own.
However, because people genuine care, they also have strong opinions about how the work of the church should be done. And churches can become entrenched in tradition and “the way we’ve always done it.” I remember a time, years ago, when a relatively new member of a congregation volunteered to serve refreshments after the worship service. It is something we do every week and there are a lot of things that are done the same way each week. There are instructions for brewing coffee, doing the dishes, and other chores associated with the task. The new volunteer was getting the job done, but not doing things quite the same way as they often were done. A well-meaning member of the congregation stepped in with instructions on how to do the job. By the end of the morning, the new volunteer tearfully informed me that she would never again volunteer for the job. “No matter what I did, I got corrected.”
It is easy to dismiss such an incident as a case of over-tender feelings or an over-zealous old timer, but the dynamics are actually very complex. The person who was giving instructions was motivated by good intentions. That person probably wasn’t even aware that feelings were being hurt. So too, the new volunteer took on the task with the best of intentions, unaware that small changes would affect anyone’s sensibilities.
Enough time has passed that we are able to look back on the incident and laugh and the two people went on to develop a friendship and genuine care fro one another. Hurt feelings occur all the time in the church. When they are expressed and responded to they do not need to lead to bitterness.
We all know, however, that bitterness does develop in the church. Something about which people care so deeply can also be the source of a great deal of pain when things go wrong. It isn’t uncommon for conflict within the church to erupt into members leaving the institution. It is always a tragedy when a church loses a member. It is an even greater tragedy when a family loses a church. The source of support in times of grief, the community of the faithful, the place where you belong - all of these are rare and precious and when the relationship breaks down it is a deep loss.
It is a worthy investment of my time when I am able to intervene and help to heal some of the broken relationships that come with hurt feelings. I’m not always successful, but I have learned that face-to-face contact, careful listening and persistence can help to move people beyond their hurts and open the door for restoration. One thing I say often, that most people who have been around me for any amount of time have heard me say is “In the church we don’t solve problems by getting rid of people.” I am proud of the times when we have been able to work through conflicts and keep the parties engaged in the church. I have put in long hours on several occasions keeping both parties in a divorce engaged in the church through the break up. More than once I’ve need to swallow my pride and set aside my hurt feelings to reach out to someone who needs the church far more than I need to win an argument.
Occasionally, however, someone moves on from a particular congregation. In that case I pray that they will find a new community of faith that can nurture them through the next stage of their life’s journey. And I always try to keep the door open so that if an attempt to return is made there will be a warm welcome.
It is a lot like family because it is a family. And our family of faith is important to us. And sometimes I need a sort break. On those occasions it is good to remember the times when Jesus “went off to a lonely place to pray.” (Mark 1:35; Luke 5:16) Like Jesus, sometimes I need to get up early in the morning to make that happen.
Now I understand that it was an over-reaction. But I also know that a church is a lot like a family. We are a complex web of relationships and our goals and aspirations sometimes conflict. Our visions of the purpose and function of the institution differ. There are different styles of leadership and different expectations. The congregations that I have served have been small to mid-sized, so we really aren’t very big institutions. There are politics in the church, but they aren’t marked by the big time power plays that are present in larger and more powerful institutions. When I compare the dynamics of the congregations I serve with the internal politics of the local school board or the board of directors of our hospital, I realize that the issues with which I deal are mild indeed.
Still, there is something about working in the church that brings out both the best and worst in human nature. On the one hand, I am allowed to witness great amounts of generosity. People give freely of their time and resources to support the church because they genuinely believe in helping others. When people become captivated by the church’s mission they can be incredibly generous and are willing to place the needs of others before their own.
However, because people genuine care, they also have strong opinions about how the work of the church should be done. And churches can become entrenched in tradition and “the way we’ve always done it.” I remember a time, years ago, when a relatively new member of a congregation volunteered to serve refreshments after the worship service. It is something we do every week and there are a lot of things that are done the same way each week. There are instructions for brewing coffee, doing the dishes, and other chores associated with the task. The new volunteer was getting the job done, but not doing things quite the same way as they often were done. A well-meaning member of the congregation stepped in with instructions on how to do the job. By the end of the morning, the new volunteer tearfully informed me that she would never again volunteer for the job. “No matter what I did, I got corrected.”
It is easy to dismiss such an incident as a case of over-tender feelings or an over-zealous old timer, but the dynamics are actually very complex. The person who was giving instructions was motivated by good intentions. That person probably wasn’t even aware that feelings were being hurt. So too, the new volunteer took on the task with the best of intentions, unaware that small changes would affect anyone’s sensibilities.
Enough time has passed that we are able to look back on the incident and laugh and the two people went on to develop a friendship and genuine care fro one another. Hurt feelings occur all the time in the church. When they are expressed and responded to they do not need to lead to bitterness.
We all know, however, that bitterness does develop in the church. Something about which people care so deeply can also be the source of a great deal of pain when things go wrong. It isn’t uncommon for conflict within the church to erupt into members leaving the institution. It is always a tragedy when a church loses a member. It is an even greater tragedy when a family loses a church. The source of support in times of grief, the community of the faithful, the place where you belong - all of these are rare and precious and when the relationship breaks down it is a deep loss.
It is a worthy investment of my time when I am able to intervene and help to heal some of the broken relationships that come with hurt feelings. I’m not always successful, but I have learned that face-to-face contact, careful listening and persistence can help to move people beyond their hurts and open the door for restoration. One thing I say often, that most people who have been around me for any amount of time have heard me say is “In the church we don’t solve problems by getting rid of people.” I am proud of the times when we have been able to work through conflicts and keep the parties engaged in the church. I have put in long hours on several occasions keeping both parties in a divorce engaged in the church through the break up. More than once I’ve need to swallow my pride and set aside my hurt feelings to reach out to someone who needs the church far more than I need to win an argument.
Occasionally, however, someone moves on from a particular congregation. In that case I pray that they will find a new community of faith that can nurture them through the next stage of their life’s journey. And I always try to keep the door open so that if an attempt to return is made there will be a warm welcome.
It is a lot like family because it is a family. And our family of faith is important to us. And sometimes I need a sort break. On those occasions it is good to remember the times when Jesus “went off to a lonely place to pray.” (Mark 1:35; Luke 5:16) Like Jesus, sometimes I need to get up early in the morning to make that happen.